Dougie: hi! I’m Dougie! I want to be a real news reporter when I’m older. Right now I just report for Super School News. So let’s get down to the interviews!
So Pip, I heard you invited Damien and Christophe over to dinner at your place. How’d it go?
Pip: Cheeri-0 Damien! Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?
Damien: uhh… I guess…
Pip: How about you Christophe?
Christophe: Who ze ‘ell are you?
Pip: I’m Philip but everyone calls me Pip
Christophe: Why ze ‘ell would I do anyzing wiz a faggy Brit like you?
Dougie: Well that wasn’t nice of him.
So Kyle, I heard that Gary kid tried to get you to go to yoga.
Gary: Hello Kyle. Would you like to go to yoga class with me?
Kyle: Hell no fag!
Gary: Suck my balls.
Dougie: Elsie, if you had to stay at a friends house over night and could only choose between Kenny and Cartman, who would you stay with?
Elsie: Kenny. Cartmans cool and everything, but Kenny’s more fun.
Cartman: He is not!
Kenny: Am too fat ass! Get used to it.
Cartman: God I hate you Kinny.
Dougie: Bradley, is it true you walked in on Butters and Tweek making out?
Bradley: A man who lies with another man like a woman have committed a detestable act and shall surely be put to death!
Tweek: Gah! Too much pressure!
Dougie: Christophe, I heard you became jealous when you heard Damien fell in love with Kenny.
Christophe: Why ze ‘ell would I be jealous of some faggy goz kid falling een love with some faggy ‘ore?
Damien: I am not some faggy goth kid! I am the son of the Prince of Darkness, born in the seventh circle of hell!
Christophe: uh huh.
Kenny: * perks up * you think I’m a whore?
Kenny: * hugs Christophe before running down the street * I’m a whore! I’m a whore!
Christophe: Well zen…
Damien: * sets guard dogs after Christophe *
Christophe: Oh sheet!
Dougie: Uhh… So Elsie, I heard Pip tried mugging you in a dark alley. What happened?
Pip: So sorry Elsie… But I need the money * awkwardly points gun *
Elsie: Pip, you ca –
Tweek: * runs by * Aaaah! They’re after my blood! Eeeek!
Pip: * gets knocked over, drops gun *
Elsie: what the hell? * picks up gun *
Gnomes: Get him!
Elsie: Shit! Run Tweek!
Pip: Bloody ‘ell…
Dougie: Soo… Uhh… the hell? Umm… Cartman! Tell us about your cooking show.
Cartman: So now that you’ve tricked your enemy into getting his parents killed and have stolen their bodies, we take a hacksaw to them. Now, after we get the meat, we make chili to feed to the goddamn ginger bastard!
Dougie: * mumbles under breath * what the fuck is wrong with the people in this town? * speaks up * Sounds, uhh, interesting… Damien, if you were forced to marry Christophe, Pip or Gary, who would you choose?
Damien: why the hell would I have to marry one of them?
Dougie: it’s just a question for fun…
Damien: * turns options into women * Pip makes the better looking chick.
Christophe: what ze ‘ell? Turn me back asshole!
Gary: * cries * I want to go back to Utah!
Pip: oh – oh my!
Dougie: umm… Tweek!
Dougie: so Butters kidnapped you?
Butters: * as Professor Chaos * Kyle! If you want to see Tweek again, give me your hat!
Kyle: fuck off Butters.
Dougie: Elsie, you get to meet Cartman or Kenny, who do you choose?
Elsie: Cartman! He’s awesome!
Cartman: ha! In your face Kinny!
Kenny: I’m still the fun one though, right Elsie?
Elsie: of course Kenny * winks *.
Dougie: So Bradley, why did you challenge Pip to a chariot race?
Bradley: P-Pip, want to have a chariot race?
Pip: sure! But why?
Bradley: to run from the bad thoughts!
Dougie: I heard everyone ganged up on you Damien.
Damien: they tried * looks over at group of platypuses * I don’t think they will again though.
Jimbo: a rare duck-billed platypus! It’s coming right for us!
Ned: * shoots platypus in orange parka *
Dougie: Christophe, how do you feel about not being invited to Tweek and Bradley’s wedding?
Christophe: who are Tweek and Bradley? And why would I care about being invited to a fag wedding?
Dougie: I don’t know…
Kenny, why are you afraid of Butters?
Kenny: who said I was afraid of Butters?
Kenny: well it’s not true!
Butters: it might be because I have this video of him where –
Kenny: shut up Butters! * grabs Butters wrist and drags him away *
Dougie: Bradley, what was that fairy tale you were telling everyone the other day?
Bradley: it wasn’t a fairy tale… it was the truth.
Dougie: Well what was it?
Bradley: none of you shall approach anyone who is near of kin to him, to uncover his nakedness. I am the Lord. The nakedness of your father or the nakedness of you mother you shall not uncover. She is you mother. You shall not uncover her nakedness.
Cartman: shut the fuck up kid. No one wants to hear about how you fuck your mom and dad.
Bradley: I-I do–
Kenny: who the fuck are you anyway?
Cartman: does anyone know who the fuck this kid is?
Dougie: okay… well… umm… lets move on.
What happened at Tweek and Bradley’s wedding?
Father Maxi: does anyone have any objections?
Cartman: * busts through door with a Glock 17 * what the fuck is wrong with you two? Thanks to you two, I’ve been stuck listening to fuckin’ Butters and Craig whine! I’m fuckin’ sick of it! Tweek, get your ass over to Craig! Bradley, get over to fuckin’ Butters! I picked up some supplies on the way over and if you people don’t fuckin’ smarten up I’ll kill every last one of you!
Dougie: so Elsie, what happened with you this weekend?
Kyle: * bangs on door *
Elsie: what the hell? Who’d be coming over at 3am? * opens door * K-Kyle? Gary? What the hell?
Gary: * slurring words * Ky – … bar – … I’m… hell!
Gary: * passes out *
Elsie: the fuck?
Dougie: so, Christophe, I heard you had your birthday recently.
Christophe: why would you beetches bring me to ze zoo?
Damien: don’t look at me man.
Kenny: * standing at bamboo cage *
Pip: I’m sorry Christophe! I though it might be fun!
Kenny: Aaaah! Fuck! Shit! * gets killed by baboons *
Damien: * nods head towards Kenny * well there’s something fun
Dougie: so people were protesting something at your place yesterday Elsie?
Elsie: * watching tv and hears noise outside * what the hell? * looks out window * hey! What are you people doing out there?
Elsie: protesting what?
Cartman: you! Apparently…
Butters: because you killed Kenny!
Kyle: you bastard!
Elsie: then who’s that * points *
Kenny: hey guys, what’s going on?
Dougie: so Tweek, what happened after Gary had killed your best friend?
Tweek: aaaah! Gah! Too much pressure!
Gary: * walks by with broken nose, 2 black eyes, missing some patches of hair and innumerable cuts, scrapes and bruises *
Dougie: so Cartman, Kenny, I heard you two were in mortal danger and only one of you could live.
Dougie: so how’d you both get out?
Cartman: screw you Kinny, I’m goin’ home! * knocks Kenny out *
Dougie: well that doesn’t make much sense since you’re Kenny’s still alive, but okay…
so Kyle, you were trapped in a cave?
Bradley: * walking through cave to hide from bad thoughts *
Kyle: * echoing voice * hello? Help! Is anyone up there?
Kyle: help! Down here!
Bradley: * looks into hole * oh! Hi! Just a second! * throws rope down *
Kyle: * climbs rope and gets out of hole right next to Bradley * thanks kid!
Bradley: aaaah! Bad thoughts! * runs away *
Dougie: well at least he helped you out before running away.
So Damien, is there any truth behind the rumors of you starting a day camp?
Damien: I am the son of Satan, born in the seventh circle of hell. How could anyone think I’ve started a day camp?
Dougie: uhh… good point…
Christophe, you were surprised when you walked in on three boys here at the school?
Christophe: what ze ‘ell are you pussys doing?
Butters: the hokey-pokey!
Pip: it’s jolly good fun! Would you like to join?
Christophe: why ze ‘ell would I like to join?
Kenny: to get laid?
Christophe: this town eez full of fags…
Dougie: so butters, I heard you took up baking.
Butters: hey guys! I made an apple pie! Want some?
Kyle: sure Butters.
Stan: why not?
Kenny: I think I’d prefer another kind of pie…but ok
Cartman: * grabs pie and runs *
Kyle: fat ass!
Dougie: well… uhh… that’s it for the questions I think. To tell you the truth, I’m scared to ask the rest of the questions. The people in this town have serious problems…
Cartman: shut up kid or I’ll kick you in the nuts!
Dougie: okay! * runs away *